Last Rehearsal And Last Supper

Sticks Author: Steve

No seriously.  I just ate dinner and it’s probably my last one.  It was pork that I grilled for my wife and kids and I think I undercooked it.  So, it’s obvious that I’m going to die probably right after rehearsal tonight.

What does this mean?

First, it means that I’ll probably have really bad diarrhea.  I think that’s what happens when you get Porcine Poisoning.  And then it means that my fellow Sticks will have a really tough decision to make because we are supposed to perform for the first time this Friday night.

Here’s how I think the discussion will go:


Chris M: Okay guys <wipes tears> Steve is… <severe lip tremble> gone.

Allison: Whatever.  Screw that guy anyway!

Rachel: Hey! <drops to knees> No!!! No!!!!!!!! Don’t speak of him that way! <makes imploring gestures to the heavens>

Chris M: <comforts Rachel> It’s okay.  It’s okay.

Kendra: <politely raises hand> Does that mean he’s not going to nitpick us anymore?
Thom: Speaking of nitpicking, what is the deal with people picking their noses in cars while they drive? Do they think we can’t see them?

Everybody: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Chris B: Well, I’ll be the one to say it.  Do we still do our performance on Friday?  Maybe make it in tribute to him?

Jen: <wipes tears that are probably from lauging at Thom’s joke rather than the loss of Steve> I think it’s what he’d want us to do.

Kim: Wait a second.  Wait.  He left me this letter that says to open only upon his death.

Jesse: You mean like you have to open it up on his death, noun?  Like his body?

Marilyn: <sigh>

Kim: <opens letter>  Dear Sticks.  If you’re reading this it must mean that I’m dead.  I bet I went in some super cool way like rescuing milfs or choking at a hot dog eating contest.  Here’s the deal.  Under no circumstances do I want you to perform without me.  Do you understand?  What I want is for all of you to enter a formal period of grieving for 60 days.  For the men, this means no shaving.  For the women, this means extra shaving if you know what I’m saying.  For this 60 days, you aren’t allowed to use the words “moist” (that’s for you Rachel), “huzzah”, “internet”, “I love my children”, or “cornucopia”.   Once the 60 days are up, I want a formal day of remembrance on each Wednesday in perpetuity.  That reminds me, you can’t use the word “perpetuity” either. Okay?  So, no performing without me.  Ever.  You are to tell the public, because they will most certainly inquire, that it just wouldn’t be the same without the heart and soul of the operation.  Anyway, have a great life stinkers!

Everybody: ……….

Jim: I’m with Allison, screw that guy!

Everybody: Huzzah!

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-I’m already feeling a bit nauseated.  I’ll miss you all!If you’re interested, come see the Steveless Sticks perform this Friday October 21 from 7 to 9ish at the Joseph N. Goff house in East Hampton CT. It’s technically an open rehearsal, but you’ll see at least two Harolds and a few games.  Bring something that we can donate to the local food bank.  They are most in need of shampoo, hand soap, toothpaste, and canned fruit.  The performance is free and BYOB.  Parking is weird.  Good luck with that.

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  1. Mare

     /  October 19, 2011

    I’m thinking you’d probably come down with trichinosis…which would lead to muscle weakness…which would lead to you just lying around….would we even know you were ill?


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